“Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It’s
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
highly-motivated, caustic twits.”
— Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said.
— Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

There once was a member of Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
The sword that he used
Was his — (line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.
— John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
direction.
(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
(3) The energy required to change either one of these states
will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
much as to make the task totally impossible.

Why I Can’t Go Out With You:

I’d LOVE to, but …
— I have to floss my cat.
— I’ve dedicated my life to linguini.
— I need to spend more time with my blender.
— it wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
— it’s my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
— I’m going downtown to try on some gloves.
— I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
— I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
— I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
— I have some really hard words to look up.
— I’ve got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
— I promised to help a friend fold road maps.